I just wanted the memories to go away

I was in a relationship with a Heroin addict and my ex-husband was causing a lot of trouble for us, I wanted the anxiety to go away so my new boyfriend asked me if I wanted  to  try heroin to calm me down, little did I know I would get hooked.

After a period of time I ended the relationship. I remember walking with my head covered up with a hoodie, sweating and shaking, I pressed the buzzer at the Direct Access service and started crying. I was put on  a Methadone Programme then onto Subutex at The Junction and I have been free from Heroin and Subutex for 3 and a half years now.

Then a year ago I was at work when a man who raped me when I was 16 came in, this was the first time I had seen him since it happened and I am 34 soon. When I got home I fell to bits. I could not leave the house for 2 weeks, the kids were not going to school and I hit the bottle bad even persuaded my neighbours to buy alcohol for me.

I just wanted the memories to go away and to have a good nights’ sleep without waking up crying and feeling scared.

My Husband moved back in to help with the kids, as I was suffering with really bad anxiety and depression. I had to leave my job, horrible things had happened to me as a child and I felt my head was going to explode so I drank more. I wanted all the pain to go away. I was very unhappy and did not want to be with my Husband which caused a lot of tension.

Myself and my two youngest had to go to a refuge in Grimsby. My eldest son went to stay with his Nana who I did not get on with. This hurt me as I love him so much but I wanted him to feel safe and happy, after years of Domestic abuse I had to make a fresh start. This was when I had a break down and tried to take my own life, I couldn’t cope. I never had support or guidance as a child and I did not want them to feel abandoned, lost, scared and unwanted like I did. I did not want the kids to go into care so I agreed that their Dad could care for them until I got better.

I hit rock bottom and drinking was all I had to help me get by and help me sleep. I moved back to Scunthorpe to sort myself out and be a Mum again, I moved into a new project where they helped and supported me. This was the first day of the rest of my life!

I have not had a drink for 3 months and I feel amazing. At the end of the Programme my kids will be coming back to live with me. I can then be the Mum they deserve and I want to be. I got lost over the years but now is the time to stop all that, I’ve got help and support and my children are everything to me. I have counselling to help me deal with the past and I am going through a divorce.

I have support at the Community Service and my confidence is growing stronger each day, it will be a new life all round, Recovery!

For the future I hope to be a Volunteer at the service to give something back and use my experience to help others.

Published 22nd May 2016

Related Case Studies: